ROYALTIES REQUESTED: Give me the scoop when you reveal. But god don’t tell me about it beforehand.

EXPLANATION: I have a favorite table at my local diner. What if my friends and I could buy that table so it was always available? If the place was busy and we weren’t there, someone could sit, but if we walked in the door they’d have to clear out and wipe it down by the time we walked to the table.

Or maybe I should just join the Mob.

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: A seat at your permanent table.

EXPLANATION: When I’m in the shower I like to read my bottle of Dr. Bronner’s. The eccentric soap maker published religious propaganda on his product, which gave the packaging a delightful 19th-century feel. Here’s a readable version of the text.

Imagine doing this for a line of soaps or shampoos: January every bottle has Chapter 1. February is Chapter 2. It’s the ultimate in planned obsolescence.

Small bottles? Poetry! Special scents? One-off short stories! No-tears soap with kids stories!

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: Free soap for life.

“Who Are You” by the Who vs. “I’m Your Witch Doctor” by Them
“Mr. Blue Sky” by ELO vs. “Raining in the City” by ELP
“The Word Hurricane” by Air vs. “Avalanche” by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band vs. “Felt Good to Burn” by the Flaming Lips vs. “40 Days and 40 Nights” by Muddy Waters

EXPLANATION: Drills, belt sanders, and sundry tools with built-in speakers. Use them and they remind you, in so many words, “You are a useful man. You are powerful. This tool could drill through your son’s skull, and yet you use it to make this mighty bookcase.”

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: A full set of the Demotivator version.

EXPLANATION: Not a farce, but a show that avoids the patronizing attitude toward the elderly and shows danger and intrigue among the elderly residents of an assisted living facility. Plenty of chances for horrific deaths, addictions to medication, residents’ attempts to control families from the confines of the facility.

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: A small speaking role as a facility staffer.

EXPLANATION: Philosophical education usually forces the reader to read through primary texts that may or may not influence their personal philosophy. Few non-scholars can undertake a philosophical self-education as part of a normal life. Philosophy should be more intentional and relevant: a how-to.

“Find your Philosophy” guides the reader through major worldview decisions: What are the most trusted sources of truth (sensory evidence, authority, revelation, logic)? Is life without an afterlife worth living? Is it better to live for oneself or for the good of society? Should one try to correct the false beliefs of others? Is morality based on intention or results? In the words of Socrates, what is the best life?

The guide uses the distilled wisdom of historical philosophers from the ancient world to the present day.

EXPLANATION: Digg and Reddit get worse as more people join. As a mob of users joins the original dedicated core, the average user value drops. The new users post and promote mediocre stories; they carry on worse discussions.

Make a voting site that stays small! Charge users $20 a year to submit, vote for, or comment on stories. Users can invite other users. Certain users are granted free one-year invitations at the moderator’s will.

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: Free membership for life.

EXPLANATION: There are tip blogs for living (Lifehack.org), productivity (Lifehacker, 43 Folders), and fashion (I don’t read those). But the Internet needs an advice blog for the socially awkward: like “Hitch” but with a lower level of students, like James Bond giving tips in suaveness to serve his community service sentence. (Little known fact: James Bond has a license to kill, but it counts as a misdemeanor.)

Bad article ideas: “How to not creep a girl out.” “How to shake hands confidently.” “Etiquette around the workplace.” “How to kill road rage.” Maybe it’s more just a blog about dealing with people, ya know? Lifehacking a social life.

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: Actually I’d like to write this, being somewhere between the target audience and the ideal author. Actually I guess I’m more like the audience.

EXPLANATION: My friends Kevin and Sean played this with me using Andy Toncic, our Dean of Men (who, because of a drunk incident, became what we called “Dean of Fuck-all”). If you’ve met the man, “The Lion Dean” is a very very funny thing to hear.

Now Kevin and I play the game using Sean and pop songs. “All you need is Sean!” “Sean just called to say he loves you.” “If Sean wants to be my lover…” Kevin wrote it up.

ROYALTIES REQUESTED: Find a way to make this funny with “Hoedown.”